Christian Light-bulb Jokes

I heard these on the radio the other day and thought they were worth posting. Also, I’m going to shorten the jokes; just be aware that they all start with “How many _____ does it take to change a light bulb?” Below are the responses:

• Calvinists - None. God has predestined when the lights when he lights will be on and be off.
• Arminians -  Only one. But first the bulb must want to be changed.
• Charismatics - One. And his hands were up in the air anyway.
• Baptists - Change?!
• Pentacostals - Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
• TV Evangelists - One. But for the message of the light to continue send in your donation today.
• Fundamentalists - Only one. Because more than one would be compromise and ecumenical.
• Charismatics - None. Unless the Lord leads them to change it.
• Dispensationalists- Two. One to change the bulb and one to keep the promises to the old bulb.
• Promise Keepers - None. Unless coach McCartney says it’s manly to do so.
• Calvinists - Every Calvinists knows that only God can change a light bulb.
• Episcopalians - None. They assume darkness is the nature of the bulb and it would be harmful and disrespectful to violate the personality of the bulb.
• Evolutionists - None. It will naturally change over time.
• Lutherans - Seventeen. Five to form a committee to find and nominate nine people to a committee, which shall then discuss the issues of bulb changing. From which, that committee shall appoint three other people to carry out the final resolution of the second committee, which is that one person shall supervise while one changes the bulb. And one will follow up in one month’s time on the performance of the bulb.
• 7th Day Adventists- One, as long as it isn’t on Saturday.
• Atheists - One. But they’re still in darkness.
• Liberal Christians- One hundred and eleven. Twenty-seven to reconstruct the dilapidated house that a burnt-out bulb would be found in. Fifteen to set up a food and clothes pantry to provide for both those who are constructing and willing to live in the house. Eight ’scholars’ to think of new ways of understanding light. Three more ’scholars’ to explain how much we’ve misunderstood the bulb. Thirty-two to love the old bulb in the same way Jesus loved bulbs. And twenty-six to love the new bulb the same way Jesus loved bulbs.
• Amish - What’s a light bulb?
• Emergents - No one knows. They avoid discerning between light and darkness.
• Youth Pastors - They aren’t around long enough to change a light-bulb.
• Liberal Christians- At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light-bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light-bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

McCain, Romney, and Huckabee

McCain - I’m not going to go into detail about why you shouldn’t vote for McCain. I think this is obvious to many conservatives. If you want reasons why McCain shouldn’t be supported listen to talk radio. You can also read Michael Bates’ series on Why “Stop McCain”? (Pt 2, Pt 3).Romney -  One of the reasons I am not going to vote for Romney is that he is a mormon. Now, before anyone gets upset, I want to make it clear that I don’t think that his mormonism makes him unfit for office. However, if a mormon were to become the President of the United States, it would most likely give Mormonism the ability to become mainstream. It would at the very least lend it some credibility. And I most certainly do not want this little henotheistic, non-Trinitarian, proselytizing , frightening cult to grow.

Huckabee -  His record as governor doesn’t lend itself to demonstrating him to be a conservative. Also, I do not want evangelicals to give him a pass on his politics and notice only that he is an evangelical Christian. However, I would much prefer him to McCain. And, at least for those in Oklahoma, he is the most strategic to vote for. Again, I think Michael Bates explains it well.

I encourage all Oklahomans to vote for Huckabee. I’ll leave you with this video: